Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
