Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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