so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
