someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
