remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
