I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
