I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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