yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
