Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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