getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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