burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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