i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
