The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
