He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
