I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
