If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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