I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
