The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
