I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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