when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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