Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
