i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
