So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
