I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you traded sex for a burrito?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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