Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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