My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
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I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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