Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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