Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
