I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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