I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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