well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Randomize
