You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
from now on my penis is your penis
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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