Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
