I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
the liver wants what the liver wants
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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