you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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