Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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