We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
