Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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