What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
