My brain says no but my pants say off.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
