I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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