On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
