i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
