HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
