my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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