apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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