Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
