That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
