The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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