I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
