the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
