they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
