I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
