did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
