Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
