So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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