and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
